EVERYONE NEEDS A LAUGH SOMETIME !!!!!!!!

[Boo]

The
1st Affair

A
married man was having an affair
with his
secretary.

One day they went to her
place
and made love all
afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and
woke up at 8 PM .

The man hurriedly
dressed
and told his lover to take his
shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and
dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove
home.

'Where have you been?' his wife
demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he
replied,

'I'm having an affair with my
secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She
looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying
bastard!
You've been playing
golf!'


The
2nd Affair

A
middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always
talked about having a son.

They decided to try one
last time
for the son they always
wanted..

The wife got pregnant
and delivered
a healthy baby boy..

The joyful father rushed to the
nursery
to see his new son.
He was
horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever
seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I
can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling
around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and
replied:
'No, not this time.'


The
3rd Affair

A
mortician was working late one night.
He examined the
body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and
made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest
private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry
Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow
you to be cremated
with such an impressive private
part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So,
he removed it,
stuffed it into his
briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have
something to show
you, you won't believe,' he said
to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My
God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is
dead!'


The
4th Affair

A
woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her
husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she
said, 'stand in the corner..'

She rubbed baby oil all
over him,
then dusted him with talcum
powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she
said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the
husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh
it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I
liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more
was said,
not even when they went to
bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to
the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a
beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have
this.
I stood like that for two days at the
Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned
thing.'


The
5th Affair

A
man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a
beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one
cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He
glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy
steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the
barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the
man.
'Where's the guy who owns this
place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs,
with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing
upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender
replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his
business down here.'


The
6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the
bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I
have something I must confess..'

'There's no need
to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I
want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best
friend,
her best friend, and your
mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just
rest and let the poison work.'

[KnightD12]

[ZeroGravity]

LOL!

[Edie Antoinette]

..."let the poison work." LOL!

[Boo]

I know that's right.....ha ha ha

[KnightD12]

The TOP 10 indicators that the economy is REALLY BAD ....

10. I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

9. I went to Walmart to buy a toaster ... and they gave me a bank.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds now has a 50 CENTS MENU.

6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are now having to learn their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job in town is now Jury Duty.

4. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on for ya anymore.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges and cops.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or THEM!

[KnightD12]

Drafting Guys over 60 ............ !!!!

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-

New Direction for any war: 'Send Service Vets over 60'!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical S-of-a-B....'

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups while on jungle patrol in Vietnam.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting Women over 50 with PMS !!!

You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol....they will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends.. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

And NO, nothing good or bad will happen if you don't forward this..... in fact you may just forget, and that's alright too.....

[Edie Antoinette]

...This is what I call OUT OF CONTROL! Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaahaaaaa! Terrible.

[Boo]

Man, I hate to thank that it may come to this, Old men with guns OMG !!!!! The ladies we know they will handle Thangs LOL !!!!

[KnightD12]

But ya gotta admit, the old guy makes some good points. Especially about the women with PMS. Send them! Cause I sure as heck ain`t going. ROFL

[Boo]

You don't want to mess with a woman suffering with PMS....it will be h...to pay....just think a bunch of women in the army suffering at the same time ....OMG they will shonuff hurt somebody....and weapons in their hands to...LOL!!! I'm telling you now don't mess with ladies at the wrong time of the month....